Things I find when cleaning

I am  completely obsessive about cleaning. I can clean a house better than your mom and grandma put together. If I didn't have children or furry things, you could eat off my damn floor. BUT life doesn't always turn out the way you planned now does it?

DIRT! Kids and animals carry actual pieces of dirt on just about every available part of their body. The other day I swear I had a fucking sandbox in my entry way. It's been snowing since last September! Do they have it stored somewhere so they can roll around in it like pigs in a pen!? GEEZ!
WRAPPERS of every shape, size, and color. Granola bars, cliff bars, candy bars, and gum wrappers. The random Capri-sun pouch, with the straw still sticking out of course. Just wait till that snow melts, It will be a one stop shop for all the ants in the neighborhood! The next time I find the sticky top to a yogurt cup I'm going to stick it to the culprits forehead for the rest of the day. Hell, I might just take a pic and post it, tag them in it, and make it my profile pic for the next MONTH!
Random pet food!? These little shits will damn near push you down the stairs to get you to an empty bowl quicker. How about you eat the shit off the floor first!? And since were talking about my little angels, I can make a fur coat out of all the hair I find. THANK YOU DYSON!
I could fill up an entire garbage bag with the stuff I find under the couch. (Shhh, don't you dare tell them that if I find it and paid under 25 bucks for it, I usually do) How does all that stuff make it under there in just a few days? Maybe Toy Story IS real.
Socks, or just one sock. I'm quite certain I have never seen any of my children walk around with just one sock on. It's like that one lost shoe...how does that happen? It CAN"T be comfortable!  A sock is much better then the occasional  pair of underwear. When ever I find this little gem of a surprise, I tell myself the dog must have dragged them out of some child's room. Because I can't fathom why anyone would need to take their grundies off in the living room!
Let's lift up the couch cushions shall we? 87 markers, all with the caps off. Some Uno cards and a DS game. OH LOOK! All the hair ties we have ever owned, EVER! No wonder I couldn't find any this morning. Did you use one hair tie for every strand!? And there is a library card, along with that overdue book. On top of all that, apparently my children shit Cheez-Its and M&Ms, wanna snack? 
I find enough empty water bottles that I'm sure mother nature would like to kick me in the crotch. And not one of them is empty. I have always thought I should just finish them off, but I'm sure about a quarter of that bottle is backwash...and...BARF. SO, I water my plants with them, they LOVE backwash!
Just once I would like to find some money, or maybe some jewelry. How about some strawberry shortcake. Or Ryan Gosling hiding behind the couch. OH, I GOT IT! Ryan Gosling, holding my piece of yummy strawberry shortcake...like ~ HEY GIRL, why don't you eat this delicious treat while I take off my shirt. SIGH, a girl can dream.
I must go gather my hair ties now and hide them from the children. I'm going to need them to pull my hair back while I go scrub the toilet. Wait...is that cat puke or a turd? UGH!