Yeah, I have a mini-van! SO WHAT! I have lots of little people that I have to drive from one sporting event to the next. Unfortunately, my children aren't huge nerds and actually have FRIENDS, so I have to transport them as well! And If my husband can't come with us he pouts, so there's ANOTHER passenger! I don't allow the dog to "come along for the ride" any longer, damn thing gets car sick and drools and pukes all over the place! SO, minus the dog, let's just say that there is a lot of traffic in and out, and out and in, of my van. Despite my best efforts to NOT allow food and drink and STINK in my van, oh let's be honest! Kid's eat, drink, AND definitely stink EVERYWHERE
DON'T GET IT TWISTED THOUGH! I drive that Mom Mobile like it's a two-seater! And the BASS booms just as loud in a min-van as it does in any other vehicle! Even though my son did tell me once that "It doesn't matter what kind of music you listen to, it's STILL a mini-van MOM" (BRAT)
It was much simpler when they were younger. Some mashed cheerios, coloring paraphernalia, and the occasional drained sippy cup was really the extent of the mess. There WAS the occasional round of kid puke to clean up, but that wasn't the norm. Them being older has crushed one more "clean dream" of mine. Let's really be honest, those dreams became less of a reality with each "push", IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN! I sometimes feel like I'm driving around in something the health department should close down. Maybe I should call them!? Sorry kids, this taxi service is out of business!
Let's run down some of the goodies I find shall we?
I might have exaggerated a touch in "Things I find when cleaning". I said that in the couch cushions I find "all the hair ties we've ever owned". OK, I'm SORRY I lied, I find half of the hair ties in the couch cushions AND the other half in the VAN. Here's the deal kiddos, make up your mind in the morning weather you want an up-do or not! Wearing 50 hair ties on your wrist isn't cool anymore! It's not the 80's and YOU'RE NOT MADONNA! I think they just wear them as ammo so when one of the other lovelies annoys them they can shoot the others eye out with the ties! Hey MOM, can we stop by the hospital because my retina seems to be detached!?
Cleats were a most horrible invention. I don't care if you NEED them for ball. Slide around the field, bust a knee-cap, bloody a lip, ALL THAT SHIT CAN BE CLEANED UP BEFORE YOU GET IN THE VAN! Cleats collect everything! And by everything I mean EVERYTHING. Baseball/Softball dirt (NO, I DON'T actually know what it's called) is a really pretty color right? Grass and mud from the outfield stick to those cleats until the MINUTE they step inside of my vehicle. The one piece of dog crap they managed to find usually holds on till they get in the house, of course! Although it does manage to grind into the carpet just enough to make the whole van smell like POOP.
I drove around for an entire summer with a nut cup on my dashboard. No joke. The boy would grab it for the game, and throw it back up there when finished...let that sink in for a bit. Gross yes, but it became a source of entertainment for me. How many people can we get to do a DOUBLE TAKE when walking on by!? Is that a...YES sweetheart it is.
Apparently my kids can't eat without spilling food, oh I don't know, EVERYWHERE! This ain't Hansel and Gretel folks, MAKE IT INTO YOUR MOUTH! Fruits snacks actually melt into the carpet, really cool. And a Goldfish cracker breaks up into infinite pieces. A red icee melts through the cup eventually and fills up the cup holder with sugary goodness Red stains, but not quite as bad as blue. French fries can get stuck into a seat belt mechanism, it makes it hard to be SAFE. Sorry Grandpa, you sat on an M&M for the entire ride and now it's melted. People LOVE walking around looking like they have shit stains on their pants...right!?
You have been warned to NOT touch the sides of the seats in the back. It's a perfect spot for kids to wipe their boogers. Don't act like yours don't do it!
I helped my sister move some weeks ago. I had to put all the seats down so I could fit much stuff in. (Stow and Go is the best thing ever) I almost barfed, like literally. I had enough crap floating around to make a life size, dirt ~ food ~ mystery matter ~ PERSON! I could have won an award! It's GARBAGE MAN! Don't get too close you might catch something! Got one of those black lights? I'm sure the whole thing would GLOW.
The fingerprints on the windows must make people on the outside think that I lock them in there for extended periods of time. MOM! LET US OUT! WE WILL BE GOOD! WE PROMISE!
Do you know how many times I have gotten a call at work with some kid pissed at me because something they need for school is in my van. I'm sorry children, I thought we were all old enough to take important stuff out of an area that WON'T BE THERE IN THE MORNING! I wonder what they tell their teachers? I'm sure it involves me being an ass and MAKING them leave their backpack, gym uniform, AND their brain in my van. It's a conspiracy, I'm actually here to make THEIR lives hell...not the other way around.
Someday I'll look back and laugh at all this. You know, when I'm in my nice padded cell, far away from the pig pen cloud that is my life.
Sunday, April 28, 2013
Thursday, April 25, 2013
DON'T TELL ME TO RELAX
WHY DON'T YOU JUST RELAX!(Is dangerous to your health)
TELLING someone to do something is just silly in the first place! You can hint, you can give your opinion, HELL you can even SUGGEST! But ,TELLING someone to DO anything will not only make the person on the receiving end want to continue their behavior, but it will also put you at risk for a chop to the throat. EXAMPLES: Stop doing that ~ How about you choke on your own spit.
Don't talk like that ~ Talk, talk, fuck, talk, talk, shit, talk, talk, your MOM. Stop dressing like that ~ I'm going to wear everything I own and camp out in your front yard dancing and singing the Macarena while screaming your name. The list is endless, and I could go on and on...and on, but this post would get extremely long and I would lose your attention. SO, I will stop with the examples as I think you catch my drift. BUT, THE WORST, in my opinion, is five normal words put together that make up the most infuriating question EVER!
WHY DON'T YOU JUST RELAX!?
Because any person who ISN'T relaxed is thinking rational. And a irrational person rarely reacts to criticism positively. Hell, a relaxed person doesn't respond to criticism positively. Telling someone to relax is telling them 1. You have no regard for what they are feeling, at all. 2. You think their pretty stupid. 3. You clearly are better. And 4. You really want to get repeatedly hit with a baseball bat.
What does one who asks that ridiculous question hope to accomplish? Is the upset person going to stop their frustration and succumb to relaxation? I think not! After they calm down, one might think that maybe not getting so upset would have helped them. But in the heat of something it's hard to see anything but red.
And how egotistical is the person that makes that statement? EXORBITANTLY! Who died and made you King or Queen of the CHILL OUT police! And what about when you get upset!? Would you like me to take what you are feeling and condescendingly tell you to stuff it!? NOPE.
It's not just the actual words that get me. Sometimes you can not get the words, but you get "the look". And the look usually says, "oh sweetie, you're so fucking dumb. Look at you getting all riled up. Poor thing." That makes good use of my self control, let me tell ya. A lot of times you will get both the words AND the look. This usually sends me into a frantic rant involving wild arm waving and curse words that don't even go together. Catch me on a GOOD day and I might even throw a few things around. My FAVORITE though is the TRIPLE threat! This includes ~ THE LOOK, the question, WHY DON'T YOU JUST RELAX, AND...the dismissive wave of the hand. HEY JERK! Wave your hand at me and I'll cram it so far down your throat you'll be tickling your BOOTY! If you let me get it all out of my system, chances are, I will feel pretty bogus about getting all riled up all on my own. But telling me to relax will make the original problem take on a life all of it's own. And I will throw your ass right in the middle of it. I will get defensive, and defensiveness solves NADA. It also makes me feel stupid. Guess what!? I DON'T NEED ANY HELP FEELING STUPID! It also makes me want to do serious bodily harm. And I really don't want to go to jail. I like to be in control of my situation too much. And even though I can appreciate a good looking woman, I don't want to end up with Bertha as my partner for life! SO DON'T TEST ME!
Whether or not it's me or someone else being told to relax, IT'S JUST NOT NICE! So be nice, it's good for your health!
*This whole damn thing is dedicated to my SISTER!*
TELLING someone to do something is just silly in the first place! You can hint, you can give your opinion, HELL you can even SUGGEST! But ,TELLING someone to DO anything will not only make the person on the receiving end want to continue their behavior, but it will also put you at risk for a chop to the throat. EXAMPLES: Stop doing that ~ How about you choke on your own spit.
Don't talk like that ~ Talk, talk, fuck, talk, talk, shit, talk, talk, your MOM. Stop dressing like that ~ I'm going to wear everything I own and camp out in your front yard dancing and singing the Macarena while screaming your name. The list is endless, and I could go on and on...and on, but this post would get extremely long and I would lose your attention. SO, I will stop with the examples as I think you catch my drift. BUT, THE WORST, in my opinion, is five normal words put together that make up the most infuriating question EVER!
WHY DON'T YOU JUST RELAX!?
Because any person who ISN'T relaxed is thinking rational. And a irrational person rarely reacts to criticism positively. Hell, a relaxed person doesn't respond to criticism positively. Telling someone to relax is telling them 1. You have no regard for what they are feeling, at all. 2. You think their pretty stupid. 3. You clearly are better. And 4. You really want to get repeatedly hit with a baseball bat.
What does one who asks that ridiculous question hope to accomplish? Is the upset person going to stop their frustration and succumb to relaxation? I think not! After they calm down, one might think that maybe not getting so upset would have helped them. But in the heat of something it's hard to see anything but red.
And how egotistical is the person that makes that statement? EXORBITANTLY! Who died and made you King or Queen of the CHILL OUT police! And what about when you get upset!? Would you like me to take what you are feeling and condescendingly tell you to stuff it!? NOPE.
It's not just the actual words that get me. Sometimes you can not get the words, but you get "the look". And the look usually says, "oh sweetie, you're so fucking dumb. Look at you getting all riled up. Poor thing." That makes good use of my self control, let me tell ya. A lot of times you will get both the words AND the look. This usually sends me into a frantic rant involving wild arm waving and curse words that don't even go together. Catch me on a GOOD day and I might even throw a few things around. My FAVORITE though is the TRIPLE threat! This includes ~ THE LOOK, the question, WHY DON'T YOU JUST RELAX, AND...the dismissive wave of the hand. HEY JERK! Wave your hand at me and I'll cram it so far down your throat you'll be tickling your BOOTY! If you let me get it all out of my system, chances are, I will feel pretty bogus about getting all riled up all on my own. But telling me to relax will make the original problem take on a life all of it's own. And I will throw your ass right in the middle of it. I will get defensive, and defensiveness solves NADA. It also makes me feel stupid. Guess what!? I DON'T NEED ANY HELP FEELING STUPID! It also makes me want to do serious bodily harm. And I really don't want to go to jail. I like to be in control of my situation too much. And even though I can appreciate a good looking woman, I don't want to end up with Bertha as my partner for life! SO DON'T TEST ME!
Whether or not it's me or someone else being told to relax, IT'S JUST NOT NICE! So be nice, it's good for your health!
*This whole damn thing is dedicated to my SISTER!*
Sunday, April 21, 2013
SOME THINGS I BELIEVE
"The journey to Selfhood is a life long trek"
Nancy Dreyfus, Psy.D.
I KNOW, I KNOW! I can get all ranty! (it's a word cause I SAID) I know that I bitch and moan. (a lot) And, I definitely know that I try to put a funny spin on things. (by funny I mean inappropriate)
But I honestly believe that being "GOOD" people doesn't mean you have to be boring! I also think we need to get real with ourselves and our definition of good.
I LOVE my soapbox! I love a good rant! And I LOVE to throw my opinions out there. But, they are just that...mine. At the end of the day, I don't care if you agree with me. And if you have a different view, let's talk! Maybe I will walk away thinking you're crazy! But, I may get a different perspective, and decide that my views have changed a little. Either way it doesn't matter. We all have our own journey. We have to do it OUR way. We just don't have to beat other's up for doing it theirs. My eight year said to me once that "the great thing about people is that we are all different". RIGHT ON girlie!
I have this continuous battle inside me. I want to be so above it all. (by all I mean the bullshit) But, guess what?? We are ALL emotional beings. Telling someone to "get over it" is a crock of crap. Maybe that's the problem with us all? We need to FEEL things and not be told they are wrong. We are above some things, but others are going to get us every time. And my "THING" will be different than yours. It doesn't make either one of us wrong. It makes us human. We will never truly be "above it all", because by doing that we rob ourselves of feeling. Good or bad, feelings are a HUGE part of who we are. EMBRACE them! Just don't get all postal on us!
When together, my sister and I play a game. It's called can you believe they are wearing that!? We keep it to ourselves, we don't yell out "HEY UGLY! Those shoes do NOT go with that! That would be completely bogus. There is a difference between talking ABOUT something/someone and running around being a GOSSIP FACE. People say, don't judge. Everybody judges, it's an unfortunate part of being human. But, again, there is a difference between me telling my sister that home girl has horrible pants on and doing something like this ~ HEY HOME GIRL! You have the ugliest pants on I have ever seen. YOU SHOULD (I hate the you should) NEVER, EVER wear those pants again! HEY EVERYBODY! Do you see home girls pants!? MAN, those are UGLY! Blah, blah, blah. And with this rambling...my point is...that you are also not above your own set of bullshit.
By the way, I know people are talking about my attire. (Including my sister) I live in sweatpants and running clothes. I know I could use help from the fashion police.
How about this? How about you don't ever tell another living being what they should believe? Society has "decided" who the freak shows are and what's the right way to live YOUR life, right? Because in order to be accepted and seen as good you have to be on the right side of that line drawn in the sand, right? I say FUCK THAT. In my opinion, it's not the fact that we have different beliefs that's the problem. It's the fact that we believe people CAN'T have a different belief system than us. If people aren't hurting other's, I don't see why we care. BELIEFS are something you will NEVER change in another person. (thoughts and views, maybe. But never beliefs) SO GET OVER IT!
In my last little outburst. (I know, I've been all over the place) I simply want to confess. I am frequently wrong. I do stupid stuff. I am controlling. (ask my husband) I find myself bitching too much (ask my husband) I can hurt people. I'm more comfortable with anger then sadness. I have a big mouth. (ask anyone who has EVER met me) And the list goes on and on. So many times I react, often ridiculously, only to throw the situation around in my head until I come up with something different. That's why I am addicted to self-help books. I just want to do better, be better, act better. And sometimes I'll say fuck it. I'm totally in love with some of my "faults". Some of them are SUPER fun. I am trying to teach my children this ~ Don't intentionally hurt people. Live life being YOU. Test boundaries and be inappropriate at times. Just know that you will have consequences that you must endure. And at the end of your life, if you have done more good than bad...you've won, and so has everyone else around you.
SO THERE! Here are some of the things I was thinking about while running today. Well, those things and cake...but I couldn't work the cake in there anywhere!
Nancy Dreyfus, Psy.D.
I KNOW, I KNOW! I can get all ranty! (it's a word cause I SAID) I know that I bitch and moan. (a lot) And, I definitely know that I try to put a funny spin on things. (by funny I mean inappropriate)
But I honestly believe that being "GOOD" people doesn't mean you have to be boring! I also think we need to get real with ourselves and our definition of good.
I LOVE my soapbox! I love a good rant! And I LOVE to throw my opinions out there. But, they are just that...mine. At the end of the day, I don't care if you agree with me. And if you have a different view, let's talk! Maybe I will walk away thinking you're crazy! But, I may get a different perspective, and decide that my views have changed a little. Either way it doesn't matter. We all have our own journey. We have to do it OUR way. We just don't have to beat other's up for doing it theirs. My eight year said to me once that "the great thing about people is that we are all different". RIGHT ON girlie!
I have this continuous battle inside me. I want to be so above it all. (by all I mean the bullshit) But, guess what?? We are ALL emotional beings. Telling someone to "get over it" is a crock of crap. Maybe that's the problem with us all? We need to FEEL things and not be told they are wrong. We are above some things, but others are going to get us every time. And my "THING" will be different than yours. It doesn't make either one of us wrong. It makes us human. We will never truly be "above it all", because by doing that we rob ourselves of feeling. Good or bad, feelings are a HUGE part of who we are. EMBRACE them! Just don't get all postal on us!
When together, my sister and I play a game. It's called can you believe they are wearing that!? We keep it to ourselves, we don't yell out "HEY UGLY! Those shoes do NOT go with that! That would be completely bogus. There is a difference between talking ABOUT something/someone and running around being a GOSSIP FACE. People say, don't judge. Everybody judges, it's an unfortunate part of being human. But, again, there is a difference between me telling my sister that home girl has horrible pants on and doing something like this ~ HEY HOME GIRL! You have the ugliest pants on I have ever seen. YOU SHOULD (I hate the you should) NEVER, EVER wear those pants again! HEY EVERYBODY! Do you see home girls pants!? MAN, those are UGLY! Blah, blah, blah. And with this rambling...my point is...that you are also not above your own set of bullshit.
By the way, I know people are talking about my attire. (Including my sister) I live in sweatpants and running clothes. I know I could use help from the fashion police.
How about this? How about you don't ever tell another living being what they should believe? Society has "decided" who the freak shows are and what's the right way to live YOUR life, right? Because in order to be accepted and seen as good you have to be on the right side of that line drawn in the sand, right? I say FUCK THAT. In my opinion, it's not the fact that we have different beliefs that's the problem. It's the fact that we believe people CAN'T have a different belief system than us. If people aren't hurting other's, I don't see why we care. BELIEFS are something you will NEVER change in another person. (thoughts and views, maybe. But never beliefs) SO GET OVER IT!
In my last little outburst. (I know, I've been all over the place) I simply want to confess. I am frequently wrong. I do stupid stuff. I am controlling. (ask my husband) I find myself bitching too much (ask my husband) I can hurt people. I'm more comfortable with anger then sadness. I have a big mouth. (ask anyone who has EVER met me) And the list goes on and on. So many times I react, often ridiculously, only to throw the situation around in my head until I come up with something different. That's why I am addicted to self-help books. I just want to do better, be better, act better. And sometimes I'll say fuck it. I'm totally in love with some of my "faults". Some of them are SUPER fun. I am trying to teach my children this ~ Don't intentionally hurt people. Live life being YOU. Test boundaries and be inappropriate at times. Just know that you will have consequences that you must endure. And at the end of your life, if you have done more good than bad...you've won, and so has everyone else around you.
SO THERE! Here are some of the things I was thinking about while running today. Well, those things and cake...but I couldn't work the cake in there anywhere!
Friday, April 19, 2013
Things I find when cleaning
I am completely obsessive about cleaning. I can clean a house better than your mom and grandma put together. If I didn't have children or furry things, you could eat off my damn floor. BUT life doesn't always turn out the way you planned now does it?
DIRT! Kids and animals carry actual pieces of dirt on just about every available part of their body. The other day I swear I had a fucking sandbox in my entry way. It's been snowing since last September! Do they have it stored somewhere so they can roll around in it like pigs in a pen!? GEEZ!
WRAPPERS of every shape, size, and color. Granola bars, cliff bars, candy bars, and gum wrappers. The random Capri-sun pouch, with the straw still sticking out of course. Just wait till that snow melts, It will be a one stop shop for all the ants in the neighborhood! The next time I find the sticky top to a yogurt cup I'm going to stick it to the culprits forehead for the rest of the day. Hell, I might just take a pic and post it, tag them in it, and make it my profile pic for the next MONTH!
Random pet food!? These little shits will damn near push you down the stairs to get you to an empty bowl quicker. How about you eat the shit off the floor first!? And since were talking about my little angels, I can make a fur coat out of all the hair I find. THANK YOU DYSON!
I could fill up an entire garbage bag with the stuff I find under the couch. (Shhh, don't you dare tell them that if I find it and paid under 25 bucks for it, I usually do) How does all that stuff make it under there in just a few days? Maybe Toy Story IS real.
Socks, or just one sock. I'm quite certain I have never seen any of my children walk around with just one sock on. It's like that one lost shoe...how does that happen? It CAN"T be comfortable! A sock is much better then the occasional pair of underwear. When ever I find this little gem of a surprise, I tell myself the dog must have dragged them out of some child's room. Because I can't fathom why anyone would need to take their grundies off in the living room!
Let's lift up the couch cushions shall we? 87 markers, all with the caps off. Some Uno cards and a DS game. OH LOOK! All the hair ties we have ever owned, EVER! No wonder I couldn't find any this morning. Did you use one hair tie for every strand!? And there is a library card, along with that overdue book. On top of all that, apparently my children shit Cheez-Its and M&Ms, wanna snack?
I find enough empty water bottles that I'm sure mother nature would like to kick me in the crotch. And not one of them is empty. I have always thought I should just finish them off, but I'm sure about a quarter of that bottle is backwash...and...BARF. SO, I water my plants with them, they LOVE backwash!
Just once I would like to find some money, or maybe some jewelry. How about some strawberry shortcake. Or Ryan Gosling hiding behind the couch. OH, I GOT IT! Ryan Gosling, holding my piece of yummy strawberry shortcake...like ~ HEY GIRL, why don't you eat this delicious treat while I take off my shirt. SIGH, a girl can dream.
I must go gather my hair ties now and hide them from the children. I'm going to need them to pull my hair back while I go scrub the toilet. Wait...is that cat puke or a turd? UGH!
DIRT! Kids and animals carry actual pieces of dirt on just about every available part of their body. The other day I swear I had a fucking sandbox in my entry way. It's been snowing since last September! Do they have it stored somewhere so they can roll around in it like pigs in a pen!? GEEZ!
WRAPPERS of every shape, size, and color. Granola bars, cliff bars, candy bars, and gum wrappers. The random Capri-sun pouch, with the straw still sticking out of course. Just wait till that snow melts, It will be a one stop shop for all the ants in the neighborhood! The next time I find the sticky top to a yogurt cup I'm going to stick it to the culprits forehead for the rest of the day. Hell, I might just take a pic and post it, tag them in it, and make it my profile pic for the next MONTH!
Random pet food!? These little shits will damn near push you down the stairs to get you to an empty bowl quicker. How about you eat the shit off the floor first!? And since were talking about my little angels, I can make a fur coat out of all the hair I find. THANK YOU DYSON!
I could fill up an entire garbage bag with the stuff I find under the couch. (Shhh, don't you dare tell them that if I find it and paid under 25 bucks for it, I usually do) How does all that stuff make it under there in just a few days? Maybe Toy Story IS real.
Socks, or just one sock. I'm quite certain I have never seen any of my children walk around with just one sock on. It's like that one lost shoe...how does that happen? It CAN"T be comfortable! A sock is much better then the occasional pair of underwear. When ever I find this little gem of a surprise, I tell myself the dog must have dragged them out of some child's room. Because I can't fathom why anyone would need to take their grundies off in the living room!
Let's lift up the couch cushions shall we? 87 markers, all with the caps off. Some Uno cards and a DS game. OH LOOK! All the hair ties we have ever owned, EVER! No wonder I couldn't find any this morning. Did you use one hair tie for every strand!? And there is a library card, along with that overdue book. On top of all that, apparently my children shit Cheez-Its and M&Ms, wanna snack?
I find enough empty water bottles that I'm sure mother nature would like to kick me in the crotch. And not one of them is empty. I have always thought I should just finish them off, but I'm sure about a quarter of that bottle is backwash...and...BARF. SO, I water my plants with them, they LOVE backwash!
Just once I would like to find some money, or maybe some jewelry. How about some strawberry shortcake. Or Ryan Gosling hiding behind the couch. OH, I GOT IT! Ryan Gosling, holding my piece of yummy strawberry shortcake...like ~ HEY GIRL, why don't you eat this delicious treat while I take off my shirt. SIGH, a girl can dream.
I must go gather my hair ties now and hide them from the children. I'm going to need them to pull my hair back while I go scrub the toilet. Wait...is that cat puke or a turd? UGH!
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
Why SONS are better than DAUGHTERS
THEY DON'T HAVE A VAGINA!! Let's just put it out there like it is. I can barely handle my own vagina..isms, let alone THREE (you're calling me all kinds of crazy right now, huh?) other vagina's and all the wonderfulness that comes with it.
GIRL MESS sucks! Picking up baseball paraphernalia and dirty boxers is a breeze. Hair products of every shape, size, and colors litter the bathroom. Sucking up a bobby pin with the vacuum is sure to bring on a slew of curse words that I'm sure my neighbors have only ever heard coming out of my house. Eyeliner shavings are really fucking cool, it's a close second to ground up eye shadow everywhere. HEY 19, do you remember that time you dyed the bathroom floor, I mean your hair? I still can't get that shit out! The clothes that get tried on and discarded in the dirty pile makes me do a pretty sweet "laundry room dance", it involves throwing AND slamming to compliment my swearing. (The son just needs to be covered. Not matching, not clean, just covered.)
DRAMA! Boys will get upset with a friend and they will go outside and play a game of basketball and try to outdo each other. They soon drop whatever their issue is because they are having too much damn fun. The girl drama is a constant reminder that YOUNG GIRLS ARE CRAZY! The texting, and the Facebook posts could be written into an episode of General Hospital. "She's a bitch mom" Just when I think I've figured out who "the bitch" is, I find out that she's the "new" best friend! I don't give a shit if Suzy looked at you wrong in class today. And no I will not call her mother to get your shirt back. (I never liked that shirt anyway) How about the boy drama? Really fun right? Locking themselves in their room, the sound of crying only slightly louder than the shitty love song that was "their song" stuck on repeat. THE WALLOWING has seen many packages of Oreos and ice cream in my house. (then you have to hear about how "fat" they are) Boys don't bat an eyelash when they hit single status. Deuces, on to the next one.
THEY DON'T BLEED! (See vagina babble above) Sons don't roll around on the couch, clutching themselves, screaming about CRAMPS. Hey sweetie talk to me about cramps AFTER you push something bigger than a cabbage patch kid out of your nether region. Guess what ladies!? You're not staying home one week out of every month!! And since females that live together have synced cycles, (thank you Aunt Flo) I have to muzzle my own PMS, so I don't beat the witch out of them. (CPS really frowns on that) Hey! The dog learned a new trick! It's called, drag every rolled up pad out of the trash and spread them around the house to test just how much mom loves me game. This game is not only NOT gross, but really safe for her...swear.
Pink and purple threw up all over the place and then made babies that are running rampant throughout these walls! Softball gloves don't NEED to be pink! Neither does YOUR DAMN HAIR! "8" sleeps inside of a Pepto bottle every night...walls don't lie! Princess pastel is running this shit, can I get a primary!?
12 (said son) is loyal. It doesn't matter how stupid, bitchy, or embarrassing I'm being. He's got me. Those girls frequently act like they don't know who the hell I am.Watch your back my pretties, I'm not above picking you up from school in hot rollers and slippers!
Lastly. I don't have to brush the boy's hair. Nuff said!
SO, my recommendation is, if you MUST breed, sell your soul to whom ever you need to and pray for a son. Just teach them how to wash their boy parts!
Sunday, April 14, 2013
The Exhale
EXHALE - To breathe out. To emit air or vapor. To blow something forth or breathe something out.
The inhales are easy, right? The frantic breathing in that actually drowns the lungs with so much oxygen, that you feel as if no air has hit them for minutes. The exhale is the hard part, because when you truly exhale you let go. And if you truly let go you become vulnerable. PLEASE DON'T TOUCH ME OR GET INTO MY SPACE! This is the sound of hundreds of muscle fibers screaming in horror. That confined feeling when nothing is even close to touching you. Eyes close to steal a moment of calm only to be overwhelmed with the feeling of someone sneaking up on you. How you crave human touch but almost vomit at the thought of it. To lean into someone, to bury your face deep into someone's neck: it's almost unbearable, but so needed. The need to feel safe is just as strong as the need to flee. A very real tug of war is taking place inside your head, your stomach, and your heart. To feel "safe" becomes a double edged sword. And what is safe? Are we ever really? Is safe just a smoke screen so that one may come in and "get the goods"? No, It has to be real right? Safe is a real word, with real meaning. And if you could just exhale you could grab on to it. For exhaling is truly the greatest feeling.
The inhales are easy, right? The frantic breathing in that actually drowns the lungs with so much oxygen, that you feel as if no air has hit them for minutes. The exhale is the hard part, because when you truly exhale you let go. And if you truly let go you become vulnerable. PLEASE DON'T TOUCH ME OR GET INTO MY SPACE! This is the sound of hundreds of muscle fibers screaming in horror. That confined feeling when nothing is even close to touching you. Eyes close to steal a moment of calm only to be overwhelmed with the feeling of someone sneaking up on you. How you crave human touch but almost vomit at the thought of it. To lean into someone, to bury your face deep into someone's neck: it's almost unbearable, but so needed. The need to feel safe is just as strong as the need to flee. A very real tug of war is taking place inside your head, your stomach, and your heart. To feel "safe" becomes a double edged sword. And what is safe? Are we ever really? Is safe just a smoke screen so that one may come in and "get the goods"? No, It has to be real right? Safe is a real word, with real meaning. And if you could just exhale you could grab on to it. For exhaling is truly the greatest feeling.
Thursday, April 11, 2013
WHY I HATE SNOW
First of all, it's cold. I LOATHE being cold. I don't want to be buried when I die because I fear I will be cold for the rest of eternity. (Plus the thought of bugs eating my face off kinda creeps me out) My son asked me yesterday if I could come back as an animal which one I would pick, my first reaction was a bird. Then I thought hell no, I live in Minnesota, It's cold here! My family doesn't share my hatred of the cold. " It's hot" is a gripe I frequently hear. Quit your damn whining kid, the heat is only up to 85. I'm quite certain that my husband would have NEVER said I do if he would have realized that a short car ride to Target would result in him sitting in ball soup because the heat is on full blast while outside temps are hanging out at 60.
Secondly, it's a damn mess! I have children and a dog...and a husband. Each one of those are a mess on their own. Throw them together and you have a catastrophe. Add the snow and it's like an episode of Hoarders, minus the dead animals and rodent feces. The jackets, and snow pants, unmatched mittens, scarfs, and hats are thrown all over the place. A smelly wet hat does wonders for the wood floor let me tell you. And a mitten underfoot can lead to a nasty spill. I'm just guessing, it's never ACTUALLY happened to me. (clears throat) My entry way looks like one huge dirty laundry pile.
They come in from romping around, making snowmen, and finding that one patch of mud that never freezes; dripping, dirty and usually with a runny nose. Have you seen that Campbell's soup commercial with the kid whole comes in as a snowman? Guess what kids? See ya in June, because you're not melting in my kitchen!
Thirdly, unless you never have to drive anywhere, you're screwed. There is nothing like a 20 minute drive turned into an hour to start the day off right. You know you have all played that game of trying to grab the wiper so you can knock the ice off of it. Super safe huh? How about running out of wiper fluid and riding someones ass in hopes to get their spray? I say 6 months out of the year your risk of becoming Christopher Reeve is pretty high.
Children always say clever things like, the thunder is God bowling: or the rain is angels crying. Well, Ally Sheedy taught us the snow is actually dandruff. Mother nature needs a little head and shoulders. Or maybe it's Old Man Winter's dead skin flakes, he's a little dry because IT'S FRICKEN COLD OUT! Gross thought, no?
The weather man, who gets paid to GUESS, told us all to relax this morning. Apparently all this snow will be good for the soil. Tell you what, you keep the snow and I'll pee in the front yard everyday for the rest of my life!
P .S.
Dear husband,
I parked in your spot because I was stuck in the fucking alley for a good fifteen minutes trying to get into mine.
Secondly, it's a damn mess! I have children and a dog...and a husband. Each one of those are a mess on their own. Throw them together and you have a catastrophe. Add the snow and it's like an episode of Hoarders, minus the dead animals and rodent feces. The jackets, and snow pants, unmatched mittens, scarfs, and hats are thrown all over the place. A smelly wet hat does wonders for the wood floor let me tell you. And a mitten underfoot can lead to a nasty spill. I'm just guessing, it's never ACTUALLY happened to me. (clears throat) My entry way looks like one huge dirty laundry pile.
They come in from romping around, making snowmen, and finding that one patch of mud that never freezes; dripping, dirty and usually with a runny nose. Have you seen that Campbell's soup commercial with the kid whole comes in as a snowman? Guess what kids? See ya in June, because you're not melting in my kitchen!
Thirdly, unless you never have to drive anywhere, you're screwed. There is nothing like a 20 minute drive turned into an hour to start the day off right. You know you have all played that game of trying to grab the wiper so you can knock the ice off of it. Super safe huh? How about running out of wiper fluid and riding someones ass in hopes to get their spray? I say 6 months out of the year your risk of becoming Christopher Reeve is pretty high.
Children always say clever things like, the thunder is God bowling: or the rain is angels crying. Well, Ally Sheedy taught us the snow is actually dandruff. Mother nature needs a little head and shoulders. Or maybe it's Old Man Winter's dead skin flakes, he's a little dry because IT'S FRICKEN COLD OUT! Gross thought, no?
The weather man, who gets paid to GUESS, told us all to relax this morning. Apparently all this snow will be good for the soil. Tell you what, you keep the snow and I'll pee in the front yard everyday for the rest of my life!
P .S.
Dear husband,
I parked in your spot because I was stuck in the fucking alley for a good fifteen minutes trying to get into mine.
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