Yeah, I have a mini-van! SO WHAT! I have lots of little people that I have to drive from one sporting event to the next. Unfortunately, my children aren't huge nerds and actually have FRIENDS, so I have to transport them as well! And If my husband can't come with us he pouts, so there's ANOTHER passenger! I don't allow the dog to "come along for the ride" any longer, damn thing gets car sick and drools and pukes all over the place! SO, minus the dog, let's just say that there is a lot of traffic in and out, and out and in, of my van. Despite my best efforts to NOT allow food and drink and STINK in my van, oh let's be honest! Kid's eat, drink, AND definitely stink EVERYWHERE
DON'T GET IT TWISTED THOUGH! I drive that Mom Mobile like it's a two-seater! And the BASS booms just as loud in a min-van as it does in any other vehicle! Even though my son did tell me once that "It doesn't matter what kind of music you listen to, it's STILL a mini-van MOM" (BRAT)
It was much simpler when they were younger. Some mashed cheerios, coloring paraphernalia, and the occasional drained sippy cup was really the extent of the mess. There WAS the occasional round of kid puke to clean up, but that wasn't the norm. Them being older has crushed one more "clean dream" of mine. Let's really be honest, those dreams became less of a reality with each "push", IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN! I sometimes feel like I'm driving around in something the health department should close down. Maybe I should call them!? Sorry kids, this taxi service is out of business!
Let's run down some of the goodies I find shall we?
I might have exaggerated a touch in "Things I find when cleaning". I said that in the couch cushions I find "all the hair ties we've ever owned". OK, I'm SORRY I lied, I find half of the hair ties in the couch cushions AND the other half in the VAN. Here's the deal kiddos, make up your mind in the morning weather you want an up-do or not! Wearing 50 hair ties on your wrist isn't cool anymore! It's not the 80's and YOU'RE NOT MADONNA! I think they just wear them as ammo so when one of the other lovelies annoys them they can shoot the others eye out with the ties! Hey MOM, can we stop by the hospital because my retina seems to be detached!?
Cleats were a most horrible invention. I don't care if you NEED them for ball. Slide around the field, bust a knee-cap, bloody a lip, ALL THAT SHIT CAN BE CLEANED UP BEFORE YOU GET IN THE VAN! Cleats collect everything! And by everything I mean EVERYTHING. Baseball/Softball dirt (NO, I DON'T actually know what it's called) is a really pretty color right? Grass and mud from the outfield stick to those cleats until the MINUTE they step inside of my vehicle. The one piece of dog crap they managed to find usually holds on till they get in the house, of course! Although it does manage to grind into the carpet just enough to make the whole van smell like POOP.
I drove around for an entire summer with a nut cup on my dashboard. No joke. The boy would grab it for the game, and throw it back up there when finished...let that sink in for a bit. Gross yes, but it became a source of entertainment for me. How many people can we get to do a DOUBLE TAKE when walking on by!? Is that a...YES sweetheart it is.
Apparently my kids can't eat without spilling food, oh I don't know, EVERYWHERE! This ain't Hansel and Gretel folks, MAKE IT INTO YOUR MOUTH! Fruits snacks actually melt into the carpet, really cool. And a Goldfish cracker breaks up into infinite pieces. A red icee melts through the cup eventually and fills up the cup holder with sugary goodness Red stains, but not quite as bad as blue. French fries can get stuck into a seat belt mechanism, it makes it hard to be SAFE. Sorry Grandpa, you sat on an M&M for the entire ride and now it's melted. People LOVE walking around looking like they have shit stains on their pants...right!?
You have been warned to NOT touch the sides of the seats in the back. It's a perfect spot for kids to wipe their boogers. Don't act like yours don't do it!
I helped my sister move some weeks ago. I had to put all the seats down so I could fit much stuff in. (Stow and Go is the best thing ever) I almost barfed, like literally. I had enough crap floating around to make a life size, dirt ~ food ~ mystery matter ~ PERSON! I could have won an award! It's GARBAGE MAN! Don't get too close you might catch something! Got one of those black lights? I'm sure the whole thing would GLOW.
The fingerprints on the windows must make people on the outside think that I lock them in there for extended periods of time. MOM! LET US OUT! WE WILL BE GOOD! WE PROMISE!
Do you know how many times I have gotten a call at work with some kid pissed at me because something they need for school is in my van. I'm sorry children, I thought we were all old enough to take important stuff out of an area that WON'T BE THERE IN THE MORNING! I wonder what they tell their teachers? I'm sure it involves me being an ass and MAKING them leave their backpack, gym uniform, AND their brain in my van. It's a conspiracy, I'm actually here to make THEIR lives hell...not the other way around.
Someday I'll look back and laugh at all this. You know, when I'm in my nice padded cell, far away from the pig pen cloud that is my life.
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