WHY I HATE SNOW

First of all, it's cold. I LOATHE being cold. I don't want to be buried when I die because I fear I will be cold for the rest of eternity. (Plus the thought of bugs eating my face off kinda creeps me out) My son asked me yesterday if I could come back as an animal which one I would pick, my first reaction was a bird. Then I thought hell no, I live in Minnesota, It's cold here! My family doesn't share my hatred of the cold. " It's hot" is a gripe I frequently hear. Quit your damn whining kid, the heat is only up to 85. I'm quite certain that my husband would have NEVER said I do if he would have realized that a short car ride to Target would result in him sitting in ball soup because the heat is on full blast while outside temps are hanging out at 60.
Secondly, it's a damn mess! I have children and a dog...and a husband. Each one of those are a mess on their own. Throw them together and you have a catastrophe. Add the snow and it's like an episode of Hoarders, minus the dead animals and rodent feces. The jackets, and snow pants, unmatched mittens, scarfs, and hats are thrown all over the place. A smelly wet hat does wonders for the wood floor let me tell you. And a mitten underfoot can lead to a nasty spill.  I'm just guessing, it's never ACTUALLY happened to me. (clears throat) My entry way looks like one huge dirty laundry pile.
They come in from romping around, making snowmen, and finding that one patch of mud that never freezes; dripping, dirty and usually with a runny nose. Have you seen that Campbell's soup commercial with the kid whole comes in as a snowman? Guess what kids? See ya in June, because you're not melting in my kitchen!
Thirdly, unless you never have to drive anywhere, you're screwed. There is nothing like a 20 minute drive turned into an hour to start the day off right. You know you have all played that game of trying to grab the wiper so you can knock the ice off of it. Super safe huh? How about running out of wiper fluid and riding someones ass in hopes to get their spray? I say 6 months out of the year your risk of becoming Christopher Reeve is pretty high.
Children always say clever things like, the thunder is God bowling: or the rain is angels crying. Well, Ally Sheedy taught us the snow is actually dandruff. Mother nature needs a little head and shoulders. Or maybe it's Old Man Winter's dead skin flakes, he's a little dry because IT'S FRICKEN COLD OUT! Gross thought, no?
The weather man, who gets paid to GUESS, told us all to relax this morning. Apparently all this snow will be good for the soil. Tell you what, you keep the snow and I'll pee in the front yard everyday for the rest of my life!

P .S.
Dear husband,
I parked in your spot because I was stuck in the fucking alley for a good fifteen minutes trying to get into mine.